On Safari at Ikea

I wish I had taken pictures, but I’m not that crass.


When I’m sick, I like to go to Ikea. I’ll explain why later.

If you have never been to an Ikea or do not have one nearby, let me give a brief explanation. Ikea is a Swedish furniture and homewares store that sells relatively inexpensive furniture, the catch being you must assemble it yourself. The other catch is that you have to have an overwhelming desire to decorate your house with the most depressing, ugly-ass 1970s castoff shit imaginable. Some of their stuff is nice, but to reiterate, most of it looks like shit better left in the 70s. Think pea green and mustard yellow plastics, with chairs and tables shaped like the kind of shit that back then they would put in movies that were supposed to take place in the future.

They also sell shitty Swedish food. Scandinavians are not known for their cuisine, and for good reason. It sucks. If you ever wanted to try deep dish reindeer balls, have at it.

Formalities out of the way, Ikea offers a boatload of entertainment. You can play the “where-is-something-not-fucking-hideous-that-I-would-use game, which is rewarding. If you have small kids and need a break, you can drop them off at the Småland, the play zone/daycare center. This is an especially good idea if the little shits have been bothering you and you want them to catch some highly communicable virus, which is virtually guaranteed. They have cheap food in the cafeteria, and the non-Swedish stuff can be digested by a human in relatively good health. But the real reason to go to Ikea, more important even than getting furniture…

…is the people watching.

You might be familiar with the website People of Walmart, where you can laugh at the freak show that regularly parades through said bastion of cheap Chinese shit. Lots of libtards like to make fun of Walmart because it caters to our side of the spectrum. Lots of camouflage, religious decorations sold without irony, guns, fishing gear, an automotive section. You know, stuff for real people who do real people things. Sometimes they have a point. Sometimes they can get a good laugh at our expense. At Ikea, the tables are turned. The clientele are left wing in ideology, often hipster in appearance, and a combination of trailer park and third world in overall demeanor, behavior, and stench. You can see these shitty people in all their (lack of) glory. It’s marvelous.

Where else can you see Somalis beat their children, dirty-ass hipsters looking for eco-safe bedding, an entire clan of Guatemalans yelling to each other across three sections, gay couples picking up disgusting Swedish vittles for what will be the worst dinner party in the history of homosexuals, and gaggles of late twenty-something chunky chicks bitching about everything while they avoid marriage and children? It’s the greatest show on Earth! And there are chairs, couches, and beds everywhere so you can watch! Use one of the microwaves in the model kitchens to make popcorn, find a nice Ektorp chair, and watch the liberal menagerie pass before you.

The Left likes to imagine that they are cooler, smarter, classier, and better looking than our side. I can refute that with a million pieces of evidence, including science, but all one need do is check out Ikea and you’ll see that this is a fallacy. If you have not been to an Ikea, you owe it to yourself to go on safari and see libtards in their natural habitat.

I started by saying that I like to go when I’m sick. Why? Germ warfare, motherfuckers. Every bed and chair in that joint is now carrying a nasty respiratory infection. Hope the social justice dipshits bought their affordable, high quality insurance their führer was always talking about.

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